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MysticMadness

Ego Death

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MysticMadness

Hello all,

So I had a New Year's Eve trip and holy shit. It was OUT OF THIS WORLD. On only 1.5g of cubes! Full blown ego death/talking to god/becoming one with the universe. Then, when midnight hit (only 3.5 hours after having ate them), it was INSTANTLY over. Started sweating profusely (sweating the evil out as I call it.. hahaha) and it was over, just like that. 

Anyways.. So I want to hear everyone's experience. I first experienced ego death on LSD. Since then, no matter what psych I take, it's ego death every single time (even on low doses apparently..). 

Anyone else experienced this? I read John Barlow (one of the Internet pioneers) wrote: "In a sense, there is only one real trip, the first one. After that, one is merely confirming what has already been revealed to him." After tripping that hard off only 1.5g, I can't help but to think John is spot on.

So question.. Has anyone ever experienced ego death and then had normal recreational trips after? Maybe because I've grown to expect it, it just happens? I'd love to hear everyone's experience.

Needless to say, if anybody has never brought the new cycle/year in that way yet, you have to try it next year.. DAMN! 

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GoAuto6

I never know what's gonna happen!

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MysticMadness
18 minutes ago, GoAuto6 said:

I never know what's gonna happen!

So does that mean you have had ego death and then have been able to have a recreational trip after? I only have like three friends that trip, only one of which has experienced ego death. He says he's had the same experience I've had - never been able to have a recreational trip after having ego death. Ego death every single time for him as well.

That was also the most visual trip I've ever had. Absolutely insane!! Couldn't tell if I had my eyes open or closed. I dare say it was even more visual than a high dose of DMT.

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GoAuto6

Yes it does some start out bad and finish good  some start out good and stay good, some times I bounce in and out of either or...... I've noticed company can be a trigger, worrying about first timers make it hard for me not feel impending doom.

But I guess if it's all based on the first one? My first time was a blast all fun and games filled with laughter and ended in conversation laying out under the stars.

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MysticMadness

Same here. I've done psychedelics for the majority of my life. I had what I thought to be ego death before the true ego death I had on LSD (or what I at least THINK is true ego death.. lmao), but I was so wrong it is almost laughable. Up until that point, I had many many trips that were full of laughter, fun, etc. Hell, I've experienced that since then too especially during the come up but it always ends in ego death now. It's insane. I've never even hardly felt anything off of 1.5g cubes. Hell I used to have to eat an eighth to even feel anything and even then it wasn't intense at all. To have that kind of experience on such a low dose is just mind blowing.

But yeah, I'd hardly consider my trips "fun" anymore. They are for about the first 30 minutes until I start feeling the "loss of control" that accompanies ego death. Once that comes on, I just lay down somewhere and brace myself lol. First comes the super intense visuals, then after I get done resisting I "merge with the universe." I always thought that was a bad way to explain it though. It's more like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for me, lol. I see god and don't have any other way to explain it. Not a god like a mystical figure separate from ourselves, but god as in the source of all life, creation, and consciousness. I could almost draw it if it weren't for the fact that it's not something our senses can even perceive in the normal sense. Almost like every possibility (of everything - color/vision/sound/feeling/taste/smell/EVERYTHING) condensed into one "thing."

Once I'm there, I completely forget it's even happening and get completely consumed by the experience until I "wake up" at which point it's over. Crazy as hell man.

But yeah, I can't trip with first timers anymore. Not since this started happening anyways. I'm afraid I'd be completely useless if they needed me, lol. I just have to sober trip set them. It's probably better that way anyways.

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MysticMadness

Courtesy of reddit/Alex Grey, I saved myself a drawing. LOL. This is the closest thing that I can imagine could be drawn/made of what it feels like/looks like to me. Except that little point of light or whatever up top is the "god" or source I mentioned.

42cuedgvvyny.gif

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MysticMadness
1 hour ago, Mush Zombie said:

Ego is a fictional persona that you created. If you experience egoic death you will have no identity at all. No recollection of who you are, or who you have defined yourself to be. You may also not remember anything at all while you do not have an identity. Pretty much completely insane.

Yep, that's spot on. That's why I said "I completely forget it's even happening and get completely consumed by the experience until I 'wake up' at which point it's over." By forgetting it's happening, I guess what I really mean is I have no way to interpret (in that moment) what is happening because there is no "myself" separate from the experience itself to interpret it.

My interpretation of it is only something that comes into play after it happens. TBH, I'm not even sure if my recollection/interpretation is accurate, it's just what I seem to remember. While it's actually going on, I don't even realize it's happening. Not until it's over anyways. Kinda like a dream (for me anyways). You don't really know it's happening while it is, but after you wake up you're like "DAMN!"

So what's your experience, @Mush Zombie - have you had ego death and then "normal" trips after?

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Mush Zombie

Yes and yes. I've experienced egoic death once, and had a normal trip when my brain started categorizing experience again.

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MysticMadness
26 minutes ago, Mush Zombie said:

Yes and yes. I've experienced egoic death once, and had a normal trip when my brain started categorizing experience again.

Interesting. Well there goes my theory out the door. :P What are the chances I have that experience multiple times in a row? Especially on such a low dose.. Is it maybe because I expect/subconsciously want it to happen? I actually took the lower dose because I didn't want it to happen, yet it did and I was extremely thankful for it afterwards. I always come out of that experience "reborn." I don't know how to explain it. But it especially helped me deal with the loss of a very close loved one. I've come to realize after the trip that it's only the ego that makes their loss so painful. It's the "poor me" that the ego likes to make up and it is entirely selfish of me to even say/feel that "it's not fair". 

I meditate usually twice a day and am a rather spiritual (but not religious) person. So maybe that has something to do with it? Idk, but it's amazing and terrifying at the same time. Would be awesome if I could trip and feel in control again, or at least not so terrified/resistant when it happens lmao. Once I give in it's great, but up until that point.. Shew.

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Zild10
12 hours ago, Mush Zombie said:

Ego is a fictional persona that you created. If you experience egoic death you will have no identity at all. No recollection of who you are, or who you have defined yourself to be. You may also not remember anything at all while you do not have an identity. Pretty much completely insane.

A couple of days ago I got so high I couldn't even explain to myself what drugs were or what a person was. I was thinking to myself "WTH is a person?"

LOL

This was after watching Fear and loathing in Las Vegas, which I had to stop halfway through the movie because the fkn mexican guy was scaring me.

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Mush Zombie
11 hours ago, MysticMadness said:

Interesting. Well there goes my theory out the door. :P What are the chances I have that experience multiple times in a row? Especially on such a low dose.. Is it maybe because I expect/subconsciously want it to happen? I actually took the lower dose because I didn't want it to happen, yet it did and I was extremely thankful for it afterwards. I always come out of that experience "reborn." I don't know how to explain it. But it especially helped me deal with the loss of a very close loved one. I've come to realize after the trip that it's only the ego that makes their loss so painful. It's the "poor me" that the ego likes to make up and it is entirely selfish of me to even say/feel that "it's not fair". 

I meditate usually twice a day and am a rather spiritual (but not religious) person. So maybe that has something to do with it? Idk, but it's amazing and terrifying at the same time. Would be awesome if I could trip and feel in control again, or at least not so terrified/resistant when it happens lmao. Once I give in it's great, but up until that point.. Shew.

Egoic death is a terrifying experience. It's not fun or something like that. Although it is very "enlightening" as to the functions of mind, and many other facets of existence. It isn't something you will find if you seek that, imo. I just wanted to trip balls on psilocybe Mexicana and the next thing I knew there were two of me. One like hot, one like cold. One knew nothing one knew everything. Then I remembered memories that weren't mine and couldn't remember anything of myself. I don't ever want to experience this again, but I am glad it happened.

Of course this was the condensed version of the experience. I remember every detail but I will never share most of it, as that may mislead you on your path, or be telling direct realizations of "things" that must be awarded to you for walking your path. Earned not given.

When I came back as who is communicating with you I was watching a cartoon called the the boondocks. It was the funniest shit I had ever seen. And I knew it was only funny because I made that so. But I didn't care.

I also have never come close to that with cubensis. You also do not need any substance to acheive this if you master shamatha and vipassana mediation techniqes. I believe my practice in those is what allowed for this experience.

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MysticMadness
1 hour ago, Mush Zombie said:

Egoic death is a terrifying experience. It's not fun or something like that. Although it is very "enlightening" as to the functions of mind, and many other facets of existence. It isn't something you will find if you seek that, imo. I just wanted to trip balls on psilocybe Mexicana and the next thing I knew there were two of me. One like hot, one like cold. One knew nothing one knew everything. Then I remembered memories that weren't mine and couldn't remember anything of myself. I don't ever want to experience this again, but I am glad it happened.

Of course this was the condensed version of the experience. I remember every detail but I will never share most of it, as that may mislead you on your path, or be telling direct realizations of "things" that must be awarded to you for walking your path. Earned not given.

When I came back as who is communicating with you I was watching a cartoon called the the boondocks. It was the funniest shit I had ever seen. And I knew it was only funny because I made that so. But I didn't care.

I also have never come close to that with cubensis. You also do not need any substance to acheive this if you master shamatha and vipassana mediation techniqes. I believe my practice in those is what allowed for this experience.

I really wish there there was a super-like or love reaction on here. Like just isn't enough for this one. But no, it's not fun AT ALL! I also wouldn't recommend anyone seek or even WANT to have this experience. In fact, I have a feeling life will provide it to you when you need it. I was not seeking it at all when it happened to me. Actually quite the contrary. We took 200ug or so of LSD just to have a fun time while listening to some psytrance (personally laid for us by the friend I was telling you has also experienced ego death - perhaps the only time I've ever had true 200ug and not "water downed"/degraded because it was certainly more powerful than higher dose trips prior to that).

At some point during the come-up, the "Veil of Maya" or "Grand Illusion" started to dissolve and it was very liberating. But then I felt like I was legitimately dying. I physically felt it, emotionally felt it, everything. I even looked white as a ghost which I'm not sure was legit or the trip, lol. I sat there trying to fight it off and smoked a few cigarettes of my buddy's (which I don't even do) and eventually got tired of fighting it and just said "fuck it. If it happens, it happens." That's when I told my buddy I was going to bed (didn't tell him I thought I was dying). As soon as I laid down and finally gave in fully, that's when it happened.

I was always a deep thinker, but never had any spiritual interests. It wasn't until after that experience that I began trying to research WTF it was that had happened to me. Honestly, I'm not even sure I had ever heard of ego death prior to the experience. In fact, it was a comedy skit from Bill Hicks that helped me finally put it into enough words to be able to even research it: "Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves." I know this doesn't help to describe the egoic death experience itself, but it helped me to at least somewhat wrap my head around what had been revealed to me that night and gave me a good first step in my personal development/journey. 

That's when I stumbled across "ego death" and began researching various eastern teachings. I also found Eckhart Tolle's writing, which I'm sure you've read, but if not you should because I feel you may like them. I wouldn't consider myself a master of any meditation techniques, but I too like Shamtha/Vipassana/Zazen/Anapanasati. I really hope to one day spend some time at various Buddhist temples of different sects to learn proper techniques as I have seen a lot of conflicting information on the internet, sadly. I do hope one day to achieve this experience without the use of substances though, that is for sure.

You mentioning never having come close to that with cubensis boggles my mind. I say that because I hadn't ever either. Hell I haven't ever gotten close to it on Azurescens. But after that one LSD trip, it seems to happen so easily now although not as "intense." Perhaps what I am experiencing now on later trips is a form of ego loss but not full egoic death? It's never been quite as terrifying/intense as the first time it happened, that's for sure. But I definitely have experienced the dissolution of the mind-made self and been left with nothing but pure awareness several times (that's very egotistical to even say, but yeah..).

@Mush Zombie you seem like a really cool dude. It saddens me that I will likely never meet you in real life (nor would I expect you to reveal who that is). But damn dude, we have a LOT of similar interests. Mush love, brother.

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Mush Zombie

If you want to learn you should get the book "the wings to awakening." It's free. Use Google. They translated the Pali cannon so you can read the words of the Buddha yourself. It is the only work of its kind. 

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MysticMadness
3 minutes ago, Mush Zombie said:

If you want to learn you should get the book "the wings to awakening." It's free. Use Google. They translated the Pali cannon so you can read the words of the Buddha yourself. It is the only work of its kind. 

I will DEFINITELY do that. This is why you're a saint. Keep changing lives my friend, keep changing lives. :headbang:

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Mush Zombie

It's weird being called a saint lol

Focus on the steps of right concentration (shamatha) and right mindfullness (vipassana) after mastering concentration.

When concentration has been practiced for a while begin using that skill concentrating on the four bases of power. 

Do not attempt right mindfullness until this is complete. You will know when you are ready to move through this at each step. No one needs to tell you.

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MysticMadness

Hahaha. :P Thank you again for the words of wisdom, my friend. It means a lot, really. :)

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